January 2019 has generally been… “warm”
You know, in that Minnesota kinda way that makes you believe that for some crazy reason, 20° with a crack of sunshine is actually warm. #denial or #perspective?
But when that 20° turns into highs closer to 0° – well now that’s cold. Amiright?
These last few months (confession – years) have felt much like a Minnesotan enduring the ever-changing, unpredictable weather patterns. It’s a mix of denial, acceptance and silver-lining the crap of out everything (or just being passive-aggressive) This “adventure” was set into faster motion when I took an unplanned, last-minute trip to Knoxville in the end of June last summer. By this point in time I was well into a downward emotional spiral (that was pointed out to me by my dear friend, Jen – I’m forever grateful for you!) and I needed some obvious time away. So I got in the car and drove the 15 hours by myself in 2 days.
Although last summer was a huge turning point, that isn’t the Genesis of the spiral… you see – spirals like this one take time, circumstance and (for me) a general disregard and denial for what is actually taking root in my heart.
Road trips often bring clarity for us (we do a lot of road trips…) You have constant reminders and opportunity to reflect as you pass unique landscapes, different cities and meet a variety of people. There are also reminders like “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear”
When you’re on a road trip that little saying is there so that you take into consideration the distorted depth the mirror gives you when you’re checking your blind spots and looking behind you (This particular photo was from one we took up north back in Oct of 2013. We had just stopped to see like cute little park with a lake and let the dogs stretch their legs.)
And when you’re not on a road trip, that same sentiment stands: objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
I’ve gone back and forth as to how much of this recent journey I’ll share. You see, when we were in the adoption process I blogged about nearly every step of it.
It was cathartic. It helped me process. It connected me to people, their experience and their prayers when things were especially hard.
When that journey ended I stopped blogging. I didn’t have a “thing” to write about – I believed my life and emotions weren’t interesting enough to read (and I also needed to step back for a bit and process everything after those 2 years) But I continued to believe that my story – or at least the parts of it I was willing and able to share – would no longer be worthy enough to put out there. I didn’t have a pretty IG feed and followers to sustain a now “mundane” life.
What I’ve learned over the last 3+ years after not renewing our home study is that nearly every negative thought, fear and restraint we give ourselves to not do something is generally, a lie. (outside of the obvious “don’t touch a hot pan or jump off a cliff” sort of don’t do its) It’s a lie designed to hold us back from being our best self and living the fullest life available to us.
This photo is from just over 6 years ago. We were in New York City for the first time and we have lots of great, cute, fun photos from this trip. We did all the New York things and if you knew us on Facebook then, you probably thought we had a grand time.
However, the reality is that this was one of the hardest seasons of our marriage. It was pre-adoption process and post-miscarriage. There was enough suppressed pain to fill an Olympic diving well, and a hole deeper than that too.
When you’re looking back and reflecting on seasons that are now behind you, it’s easy to most predominantly remember the extremes. It’s easy for me to quickly forget the wonderful moments from the warm December day that we rented a tandem bicycle and road through Central Park and instead remember the feelings of frustration – I didn’t feel like he really “sees” me or the odd intensity in my desire to get the perfect picture of that moment so I can post it on social media and let everything think and believe your life is actually fine.
Whatever “fine” is.
But guess what? In my few years of experience, looking back and allowing that which feels so fresh and so close affect your currently, daily life (and mental health) will only hold you back. Which means the person you actually want to become will only feel further away.
The above is a huge part of my continued daily struggle. It is way to easy for me to get caught up in “fact” that it’s been 10 years since we stopped using any form of birth control and we’ve only have 1 pregnancy and that resulted in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I also get way too in my head about how this life, although amazing and abundantly blessed, is not what I had planned. I don’t have the kids, the job, or the spiritual relationships I hoped to have.
But guess what buttercup? I’m guessing you don’t either. No one has the exact life they dreamed or planned. Now, I’m not “on the other side” of this process, this journey towards being able to let go and release myself from the grasp of the mirror that distorts what’s behind me.
Yes. My past, my journey, my “10 years of this” and “7 years of that” have molded and shaped me. There’s no denying that.
However, the time has come to lay to rest those hardships that linger so closely behind me, clinging to me and holding me back from believing that there is goodness in front of me.
…and no. Not forget them or shove them under a rug and move on. But time to thank them for the lessons they gave me and give myself the gift of not allowing them the power over my daily mental faculties. Time to stop allowing them the power of having me believe that my past story is all I’ll ever know.
It will take time and practice, but objects in your life mirror are only as close as you let them appear.
